Transformers: Dark of the Moon

And all of a sudden, I am terrified of Decepticons. It's not because they are huge, menacing robots or anything. It's because they now wield War of the Worlds-level human-evaporation technology. In the Tom Cruise vehicle I discovered that I was terrified of such things: it was done so much better than when I saw it the first time in the original (campy) Batman series where they turned a bunch of people into dust. The instantaneous destruction of humans, and the disconnect between their deaths and any emotion was kind of hard to swallow. With all that being said, you should just know that I'm disturbed when people just get evaporated in these sci-fi movies and shows (looking at you too Wrath of Khan). It happens in this Transformers, but so non-nonchalantly. In fact, it's worse: there is a scene where a Decepticon fires his ray at a group of people: they evaporate, but then you see a skull rolling down the sidewalk. These people weren't completed dusted: their skin and flesh were just melted off instantly, leaving behind those pesky bones. And, assuming this movie is meant for people of all ages, I was disturbed even moreso. Perhaps it was the high definition that made it more visible (I love my television) and the fact that I couldn't stop looking my fear in the face.

I'll be talking about stuff in the movie that may spoil it for you, although I'm sure YOU won't care. Yes, it's true: nobody would go see this movie with me. Granted, the first two were "terrible." Terrible in the sense that I enjoyed the first one - but could barely stand to watch it a couple of more times - and the second one was wretched: I haven't seen it again. So with a bad track record, Feed the Voices wouldn't come to the movie with me. I promised him hot robot action. Big robot action. Effects that will be mindblowing. I couldn't promise a coherent film that functions on the basic levels of cinema, and I guess that's important to some people. It can't be important all the time though: I really just wanted to see crazy robots with crazy explosions fighting each other, in crazy spectacular. The movie would deliver on all fronts (except that pesky plot and acting business).

First, the violence is brutal. It's weird: when I was a kid I wasn't allowed to play with regular G.I. Joe's; perhaps the "real" guns and mix of human violence was too much and my mom didn't want me to be negatively influenced into a life of wretched crime. So, I stuck with Transformers, who by contrast were not human, and shot at one another with lasers. In retrospect, I don't see how this was less violent, but it didn't matter, because Transformers are better than G.I. Joe any day of the week regardless. So what we have is a situation, the situation is this: because they are robots, they are allowed to do much more grotesque things to one another. Robots die in a horrible fashion: Optimus sticks his power ax in the face of Megatron, flips around him and not only rips his head off, but also the robot equivalent of his spine. It was horrific.

It continues too. Guns are inserted into the bodies of Decepticons and fired, blowing out their innards and spraying gears and sprockets all over the place. Heads are torn in half. It was present in the previous two, to a degree, but not to this level. Conventional movies have to pare down their violence: quick, confused shots and other trickery. Most hide it, or imply it off-screen. Transformers can just show us everything on screen, in slow motion, in super high resolution glory. It's disturbing, but it's also extremely awesome. Eight year old Ryebone was jumping for joy as these horrible acts were taking place. It's his imagination piped directly onto the big screen, and it rocks.

You may ask yourself: but this is Transformers, the movie must suck, right? Well, no. I enjoyed it. All two and a half hours. It was real fun to watch, but yes, there were some negatives. The plot, as a whole, was solid, and I think it finds its power in it simplicity. It's no more complicated than one of the original cartoon series, or something I thought of a a child. It's in all the filler that it goes wrong: Shia is unemployed and bummed out. We're treated to a "funny" montage of job interviews, which ends on a peculiar cameo from John Malkovich. Perhaps it's because I was browsing reddit for the first half of the movie, but I didn't understand Ken Jeong's appearance (most notably from Hangover fame) and subequent comic relief (and tragic death). It all serves as a purpose to get Shia back into the government and fighting Decepticons. You see, they don't have any use for him anymore and people still doubt him, even though he saved the world twice. He travels to Russia at one point, uncovers the secret Decepticon plot, and is then accepted again, and the entire first half hour seemed like a waste of time. It was delaying the inevitable action, of which there was plenty: I actually put down the laptop and focused on the movie.

Another thing I couldnt' get over were all the "cameo" bits played by relatively famous people. That guy from Grey's Anatomy had a big role; Frances Mcdormand was in there, and again: John Malkovich. Didn't they see the first two? What were they thinking? Last, but not least, is Leonard Nimoy coming back to the Transformers movies as the voice of Sentinel Prime. I thought he was retired, but I'm very glad he came back for this.

I was sad to see a couple of Autobats die, but I had to admit that I didn't know who died until after the movie (when I looked it up). You see, one of my main problems with these movies is that the robots are so complex visually, I can't tell them apart. The action typically goes so fast, or there is so much on screen at once, that you can't see much difference between them. They resolve this by making one of them look like Einstein, but in typical fashion, they obliterate him. Also, I thought it was funny that all the computers were Lenovo. All white, just like Mac, but not.

So there you have it. It may sound unbelievable but I enjoyed the film. It was simple, full of action and better than the other two entries. Sure, it had great moments of ridiculousness, terrible acting and senseless moments, but we're watching a Michael Bay film here. Come on.